Would you be me, or rather, i'll be you

Havent blogged for ages. The pile of workload seems to be endless. Whilst shopping with my old friends last..last week, i realise the sharp difference between us as we are now in different places. There is, of course, the Ns pple, those who can carry tote bags to school and pple who hardly have time for everything and anything. Perhapes i miss their presence. The nice comfort. Not to mention the no-stress feeling around them. Actually, its not so much of the content of what we are learning, instead its the speed/rate at which we are learning it. I wun complain. I can't. I'm not allowed to. Though pen and paper, thats the best way i express myself...... period. Although my sketching sux...so much so that my sketching teacher told me i could do better after the 1st lesson. Ha Ha.
I try to expect nothing and hence be indifferent to everything. Sometimes, most of the time it doesnt work. I can't do it. Somethings too much to us : And those are the things/ people that leaves you shattered....always. Some are faster in picking up themselves, but scars are inevitable. Maybe we learn, once biten twice shy. Things seem so much clearer and simpler when we was younger. I miss those days. Where there was a distinct line between black and white. Nowadays, very is a blur, a grey. And it sure isn't helping when you are too busy to tell night from day.
If theres only 6 degrees between each of us in this world, do you know the person beside you? Or maybe the one in front of you. Can you be me?...will you ? I've learnt to take a day at a time, trying not to rush for things and trying to meet datelines...hehe. Time now seems to be evolving around nothing but paper, pencil and ink...illiterally..haha. Auntie Nat messaged me today. I can't seem to tell her everything through sms, so i called her instead. Sigh..she actually noes my tutor ju meng.....singapore yet again getting smaller..haha.
As the weekend is around the corner, i'll take in all the rest i can or so i hope. hehe. Hopefuly all my dear frens will do the same. For sleeping on your mattress is one of the luxuries in this world. Lets take a step at a time, taking our time to smell the flowers along the way. At the end of the journey, we will all take everything in and look back with a smile on our faces. Cheers.....

~Cycle~Circle?....

It has no start and it has no end. Thats the beauty of a circle. More often or not, we are trapped, or rather place in it. Things happen without giving you a pre-knowledge and people leave footprints in your life without you knowing it. I'm thankful for all that i have. The beautiful memories and even the tears and heartbreaks. Pris was complaining how in uni everything seemed so shallow. Shiang is stressed and lonely. Not a healthy combination i think. Odear, i hope i could have done something for them, but i can't. Talkin about shallow, i was just thinking how ironic it is....pris complainin and me being in the shallow club.
Sometimes, well, most of the time, i put people before me. I respect their choices and decisions so much so that i've become shadowed. Nah, i dont really think so. Me being giving does not really compromise on who i am. But giving so much....can be tiring. But after awhile, i'm back in the cycle again. There are times i feel like being selfish, keepin things to myself, thoughts to myself. I dun like the idea of burdening others with my problems or anger...or.....I just vented my anger/ insecurities on nat the other night, when he was having problems of his own. Sigh..i apologised, of course. Despite me being a oddball, my friends till tolerated with me. Haha.
Circle the never ending line, the cycle that i'm in, the painful joys it brings me and silent hope for appreciation by those around me.......

lllll Lines are not just lines lllll

Just had my studio session yesterday. Met my tutor and rest assured that he's a nice guy. Its weird and funny, how everyone rushed to art friend straight after our tutorials ended, how drea started to scream at lion thru the phone.haha. Afterwards, spend dinner time with drea pigging ourselves out and "talkin" away.haha
Its singapore birthday and i spent most of the time drawing my lines. Its strange and queer how everyone is so irritated with lines.Haha. Still, i'm not done with mine. The saga continues 2morow. Willy Wonka...was the first man i watched on the big screen with my new found friends. It was so lame i cant stop laughing....Argh..~
When a pen touches a paper it produces a point. When you drag it, you get a line. Lines are not as simple as they look. They are dividers...they create spaces...they form boundaries..they make 2D become 3D. As simple as a thing or person might be, there is much more than meets the eye. Sometimes, the more you uncover the scarier it will get...sometimes, its better not to know at all. Nonetheless, we still continue on this endless road of relationship. Its not mature to assume anything...its too native to believe...can you read between the lines? It will be comforting to know tt silence can, too, be serene and enjoyable. Perhapes, we need time and patience. For now, i'm still waiting for a simple gesture. One done everytime by my close/good friends : To make sure i return home safely at night.......
Food-for-thought - "One is only afraid of the people one cares for"- Kazi Shams

In a zone

Just when everything is starting to be comfortable, its going to change. School of design and environment sweeped 5 awards yesterday including best design. Of course i'm happy, but the tell you the truth i would have been happy even if we won none. Its not the destination, its the journey. Being acquainted with so many people within this period of time is the most rewarding. Then reality surfaced, school is starting. Its daunting, and i dun really knoe y. Perhapes i'm not ready, perhapes ...perhapes.
I've been told not to doubt myself, but i cant help it. So many 'what if' questions in my head. Too many. The world we live in is very queer, a world in continuous creation and therefore continuous change and insecurity. A world where the best moments have to end even if you beg them not to.
My mum give me one of her talks today. The be-cautious-about-your-friends one. I know what she means...i totally comprehend. When you meet more people you find out that the world is a much more confusing and complicated place than you like it to be. And you realize, that singapore is actually smaller then you think. Haha. Anyways, i was having lunch with her at NYDC when i saw the tiredness in her...the wrinkles..blahblah. She loves the fact that i make more friends and is glad that i do. But sometimes .. i wish i had more time. To share...to accompany ...to spend...to watch.. the people around me grow and behave. Frankly speaking, a couple of my friends and love-ones are not always in their best state when they see me. They have, most of the time, too much to handle. They come to me most when they need someone, to talk to..for advice...for laughter...for a hug. Hmm....i see my best-friend once in a year...but she never fails to miraculously appear when i need her. Talking about she...i wonder where she is now....haha. My dad just pop-ed in to ask me why am i not watching soccer...haha....ok then i'm off to channel surf the television. PS : make time for those you care about......

Being in my shoe......

Finding Fit

I'm tired. I am....so y am i blogging? Well, i'm waiting for my hair to dry...and..hmhmhmm. It strike me today that people dun really know each other until they have know enough to crack silly jokes at one other. Someone said my name and Kwai ( obedient...good girl )..in the same sentence today..hmm...wait till they know me well enough..haha..Impressions and understanding are at two different ends. We have fun being shallow sometimes but thats as far as it goes. I was telling a friend of mine today about my passport and I.D cards come from 3 different countries, he didnt really see the link..but owell....Oh yeah..Please dun try pronouncing my name in canto unless you can get it right ( which 99% of you will not...hahah)....i have had a dozen versions of it through out the years.Its enough.
Understanding is a process, especially understanding a person. Sometimes, we discover new or even weird things about each other. My close friends will know that i actually have pretty small feet for my height ( opps....shd let you guys go figure...)...hehehe. There are people who are more socialable hence prefer to hang in groups, there are also those who prefer to interact in smaller groups. My best- friend said that you get to know a person up close and personal when it is just the both of you. But in a group, more often or not, you just acknowledge theres such a person. I concur with her. You cannot be in one's shoes unless you understand her and the situation or environment he/she is in. " It is well to give when asked, but it is better to give unasked, through understanding" -Kahlil Gibran. So do you really know the people around you? Or do you just look at them but .....hardly see them...

Finally....a win

Random Thoughts

A sunny sunday- a sunny thought
School starting again- an anxious/nervous thought
Miss my friends- a matter-of-fact thought
Meeting new friends- a cautious thought
Nus- a positive thought
Architecture- an etticing thought
My new wallet - a putting-the past-behind-me thought
Love- an emotive thought
My bed- a sleepy thought
Rag- a floating thought
Chocolate- a dangerous thought
Tears- an ambiguious thought
Happiness- a daily thought
Hug- a i-need-one-now thought
My phone- a screwed up thought
Conversations- a communicative thought
My pictures- a comforting thought
Family- a must-have thought
My looks- a flawful thought
Heartbroken- a jaded thought
Life- a quintessential thought
Me- Random Thoughts.........................

Do first....think later....

.....~and there is light~...


I was just out with one of my fellow councilor-close-guy-friend when my cousin spotted me. Apparently, he thought there was something going on between us. And i went home to have my dad tellin me about the incident. HAHAHAHA. Goodness, this is hilarious. Ps: i went out in a group 2dae and as i was tellin him...i'm as single as Kraft Cheese..haha. Anyways, i went on to meet a couple of my dear friends and have dinner with the belated birthday girl who went on to embarrass herself in front of our fellow councilor's girlfriend...shhshh...haha. Its ok, we all have our moments. Haha.
There are moments ,or rather, situations in which we feel small. Putting ourselves short. Feeling unsure or uneasy about ourselves.Especially in a world where perfection is highly regarded. People want the perfect face, the perfect body, the perfect job...blahblah. But i guess, its the flaws in us that makes us human. Still, we cant help but be green with envy to those who have what we earn for. Contrary to what many believe, i too do get these kind of feelings. Come on, i'm only human. Its times like that when you need assurance, when you desperately need someone to tell you that you are fine the way you are, or just a simple hug. What you think is a shortcoming might just be what makes you different and special. Take a deep breathe and just indulge in what you do and feel best about. It might no be the most glamorous but the simplest things...like makin your friends laugh...being there for people you care about...knowing that only you have a bunch of rock-solid friends ( lets face it...how many people can seriously have so many close friends...but "we" can..hehe)...knowing that your flaws are a result of too-much-laughter( desfigures the nice symmetry of the face...jokin..haha )...too many heart-warming dinner and lunches( that extra fats )...too much bitching?...haha
So its normal to be green, but, A diamond with a flaw is better than a common stone that is perfect.

3

"Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for."- Joseph Addison. I agree. I laughed till my jaws hurt 2dae...hehe. We had steamboat in the studio with some fellow freshies and seniors from both aki and id..haha. Still quite abit to be done for rag though. i bumped into weiphin 2dae..it was sooo coincidental...he saw me at a bus-stop while i was on my way to collect my matric pack. haha.He and his constant disappearing act...tsktsk.
Something to do- i was slacking at home for quite awhile. Pretty much lackin the strive to do anything, but now that i'm occupied with something, i feel much spirit in my again. Makes me miss my batch of close friends even more. The kind that i can laugh my heads of with...be my silly self...and where they know me more than jus how i look or what's my name.
Something to love- notice that its something...not necessarily someone. Gee...maybe i'm speakin the way i do because of my status...hahaha.. wats the rush if i end up heart-broken again...ha...For noe i take much needed comfort and love in my family and friends that i surround myself with everyday. Whats yours?
Something to hope for- This one i'm filled with ambiguity. My version of hope is very basic. Something to look for to..have passion for...and of course..love and sercurity. Different pple different view i suppose
3 wishes tonight - Rekinding spirits for those who feel unwanted.....lgniting the senses for those who feel lost... and opening of hearts for those who feel locked...
pls:....u pple shd read my old blog post everynow and then...cause you will probably feel different each time you read it.... :) happy reading...will post something less crappy the nxt time..hehe

Been there...done that....

...and doing it all over again,..i thought my camping days were over..and here we go again. I went to the Idaki ( industriall design and architecture) camp, honestly speaking, with a skeptical mood. I guess, i thought, i wasnt really interested in meeting anyone new. Or perhapes i wasnt able to let go of the already fantastic friends that i have. Nonetheless, i went for it on a tuesday morning. Everything seemed familar somehow. I think it's because of the fact that i have been through alot of camps and have actually planned one before. From the games...sentosa....cheering...showering...sleeping.. All had an eerie feel to it, as memories from the past seemed to relive itself again. I'm not saying i'm jaded by all these stuff,....well...maybe to a certain extent?...haha.. The camp was not bad. Credits to the planners...i know how hard it was planning something like that, so yeah..really appreciate it. Hopefully we will bond better....time will tell i guess. I shall keep the contents of the camp to myself....otherwise i will have nothing to talk about if i post it all here. And u guys will all say that you already know cause u read my blog..hahah...sigh..now singapore has yet again became a smaller place as we meet more new pple. HA
So, as the burnt me try to throw everthing behind and embrace fully this full-time uni life style that i have. I keep my beautiful memories of the past with me in a place in my heart. I never really prepared myself for this, but if i gave it my all in my JC life..perhapes...jus perhapes... i could do it all over again.

The words that come out of your mouth

As the news goes on about the blast in London, jus a day after they have won the bid to host the 2012 olympics, i sit in my room typing my new entry. Sheesh...the world is a mess. No wonder some married woman refuse to have kids, they dont wanna bring a child into a world of chaos and distraught.
I have a habit. I like to write down the words i dont know/understand in a book. Then i will look them up in my dictionary. These days the pages of words are filling up yet most of them are still foreign to me. ( Time to do some work about it) Since the day i stopped working, i've been meeting up with my friends, attending concerts, keeping company...blahblah. And to my greatest horror.....i gained weight. Omy...o mymy.. i found out only at my latest medical check needed for my university entry. I would never have stepped onto a weight scale if not for that. Argh....it might not have been a large change in terms of numbers but....... My mum has been surprisingly empathic as she too complains of a gain in weight. HahA...So now, most of my friends are not workin...some of them are on a holiday...some serving the country(wahaha). I'm off to camp nxt week...and to think that i happily thought that i have offically ended my camping days as i stepped out of college. TskTsk....here we go again.
There is a chinese saying that says that the people around you see clearer/better than you yourself. This is true. This is why, most often or not, you tend to ask for advice or opinion. At the same time, you realise and understand alot more about the other person. I've always been a person that believes what i see. Therefore, at times, it makes me reluctant in believing what others might put forward. And i cant stop but wonder...what if some things have to be believed to be seen.Some people are demeaning, and as the chinese saying goes, they just might be right even if they sound way too hush. I don't know. Perhapes, it lies in the people making the judgement. Whether they understand you....sympathise with you....As always people do not take criticism easily. As an author writes, disapproval or discontent should be put across the way porcupines make love......very carefully...hehehee. So the next time you pass a judgement or your own piece of mind, make sure you do it nicely...tactfully...effectively...and respectfully.. :)

LIVE8

Money......................matters

My relationship with money is a love and hate one. Its like a love affair. If you take it too seriously its no fun. If you don't take it seriously, it will break you heart. In a world of commericalism, money strives. Or rather, money, makes the world go round. You get treated better with more of it....you get more power with every extra zero you add to your bank account...you even get more respect as money does not come easy to anyone. Respect, is to a certain extent, no longer the measurement of your character but the measurement of your bank account. Sad?...Pathetic?...But true. Of course, others argue for notions such as love. Scarce, love was once. Now, even Donald Trump is on to another marriage. Love, now, seems a mere complement to the wealthy. Cynical i might be, unless you can convince the contrary to me, try to just take it in. Money have always been a tacky issue, but with globalisation, the situation nowadays is just absurd. Perhapes wealth is just part of the whole package which includes ambition, success and satisfaction. Or maybe it's the way we place the role of the money. Fr., L'argent est un bon serviteur, mais un mechant maitre. ( Money is a good servant but a bad master.)..We can make use of it but not let it take control. Or maybe its how we make use of our wealth : " Money is like muck, not good except it be spread."- Francis Bacon.
This brings me to my next point- generosity. The thing is. this could be done with or without money. As i say, you cant give something you dont have. Even without the huge bank account, you can continue to be giving. Even if you are rich, it doesnt mean you necessary want more, but you can definately give more. Perhapes our motive behind all the riches should be generosity. As the rule of economics goes..more demand than supply therefore resulting in scarcity. It is because of this, we are bought up to be able to survive in this dog-eat-dog world. Its the reason we study so hard...the reason y we strive to be the best. To survive..the most basic of instincts. With this, we aim higher, to enrich ourselves and full ourselves with knowledge and love......
So ,when its comes to money,.............its your take.

A big capacity to do good, a greater capacity to do evil...

...Sounds like a line taken off the movie starwars? Nope, its not. Its actually what i picked up from my work stunt for The Event Company. Amazingly, i was able to learn more in one day than my 2 years worth of GP lessons. AMED ( Asia- Middle East Dialogue ) was held today at Shangri- La. After waking at 6 o'clock this morning i am surprised that i'm actually writting this. I've learnt more about the middle-east than i thought i will and learnt more about terrorism than my 2 years of college GP lessons. Of course, some credit must go to GP, as without it, i will not be forced to read about current affairs and develop a queer interest in it. I realise what government officials debate about in their board rooms is actually similar to what we discuss in our classrooms. They discuss about the definition of terrorism, whether millitary force is the right method, the causes of this phenomenon and ,of course ,how to deal with it......
Reading deeper into it, i realise what seemingly is meaningless and mundane is actually part of the bigger picture. Just like how spaces form rooms...rooms make a building...buildings shape a city...and cities connect the world. Perhapes everything has a part to play, no matter how small or simple it is. Look up, the azure space above called the sky connects all of us together. Therefore, there is a need to care, a need to share...a need for you to try. Just a bit of amour propre and you will be able to give it in return. So love yourself and be grateful and know that the capacity to do good or evil is, indeed, a choice.

Heated delusion

The sun

The blazing hot sun is definately increasing my body temperature, i feel as if i'm in an oven, being baked. Argh....as much i like the sun the sand and sea....this is not the way to enjoy the heat.Haha....This week i made new friends and meet up wilth the old ones. The two days work stunt at the Ritz allowed me to get myself acquainted with some older people......at the same time make some $..haha. When bowling with auntie nat.....met up with dear yixian.....SF the nxt..heehee..After watch Mr and Mrs Smith i feel like watching Batman Begins. heard it's pretty good. Had a gathering at nat's house yesterday, a surprise farewell for dear sherilyn...sigh..daniel and thinesh was pigging out at the food...me and shiang had to roast a chicken..the guys talked about their Ns lives ( wat life?!!)...haha...even tried my hand at drums..hmmhmm..not bad. Its nice..very nice indeed coz the turn out was quite big ( quite impossible for everyone to make it la )..And everyone got to catch up with whoever they want to...heehee..
Its inevitable that as human being we all make mistakes. Sometimes we are forgiven...most o f the times we are are haunted by them. Perhapes, if we could be forgiven, or rather, the mistake forgotten, we might not have to live with the aftermaths of it. " It was not a mistake....it was a choice"- Do we ever have a choice. I made mistakes, but the choice of whether to face it or to live in denial is always a choice. Although, people or time, will start to judge and critize us. We become wary of our environment...we fear...its becomes a habit....we form boundaries. As much as memories are chronicles to our lives...mistakes vitally play a part too. Sometimes i fear people people that are too close to me, i'm scared of the things they might do to me. They might just leave .. betray.. abandon me. Taking with them a huge piece of me. i believe in the notion " I can't give what i don't have "/ " You can't lose what you don't have ".......